Bumper Stickers Stuck On You

• There are many ways to say "I love you," but sex is the fastest.
• I feel so much better since I lost hope.
• If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
• It's people like you that make people like me take medicine.
• Alzheimer's. A disease that...where are my socks?
• Don't vote. It just encourages them.
• Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
• If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that?
• Ask me about my vow of silence.
• If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question.
• Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
• We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.
• A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.
• Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
• Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
• I'm happily married, but my wife isn't.
• Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• You are right where you belong. Behind me.
• Old age comes at a bad time.
• The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
• Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• Do unto others before they do unto you.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.
• Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.
• I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
• If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS.
• Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.
• Was today really necessary?
• Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
• The more I learn, the less I understand.
• Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist.
• Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand.
• I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
• Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.
• O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.
• The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
• I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
• Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
• Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Better living through denial.
• I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• The bigger the jackass, the louder the bray.
• If you lived in your car, you would be home right now.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
• I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.