Sunday, January 27, 2008

Bumper Stickers Stuck On You

  • There are many ways to say "I love you," but sex is the fastest.
  • I feel so much better since I lost hope.
  • If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
  • It's people like you that make people like me take medicine.
  • Alzheimer's. A disease that...where are my socks?
  • Don't vote. It just encourages them.
  • Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  • If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that?
  • Ask me about my vow of silence.
  • If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question.
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.
  • A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.
  • Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
  • Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
  • I'm happily married, but my wife isn't.
  • Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • You are right where you belong. Behind me.
  • Old age comes at a bad time.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
  • Do unto others before they do unto you.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.
  • Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.
  • I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
  • If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS.
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.
  • Was today really necessary?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • The more I learn, the less I understand.
  • Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist.
  • Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand.
  • I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
  • Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.
  • O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
  • Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
  • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Better living through denial.
  • I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  • The bigger the jackass, the louder the bray.
  • If you lived in your car, you would be home right now.
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
  • I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


  1. sarah6:48 AM

    OMG Jan, I need my asthma puffer after reading all of those sentiments. I may have to steal some for cards.
    Visiting you from Sunny Western australia.

    I'll be back

  2. sarah6:50 AM

    OMG Jan, I need my asthma puffer after reading your funny sayings. I'll be stealing a few for card sentiments.
    G'day from Sunny Western Australia. I'll be back for more hilarity another day for sure


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