Sunday, January 27, 2008

Bumper Stickers Stuck On You

  • There are many ways to say "I love you," but sex is the fastest.
  • I feel so much better since I lost hope.
  • If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
  • It's people like you that make people like me take medicine.
  • Alzheimer's. A disease that...where are my socks?
  • Don't vote. It just encourages them.
  • Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  • If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that?
  • Ask me about my vow of silence.
  • If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question.
  • Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  • Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.
  • A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.
  • Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.
  • Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
  • I'm happily married, but my wife isn't.
  • Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
  • You are right where you belong. Behind me.
  • Old age comes at a bad time.
  • The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
  • Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
  • Do unto others before they do unto you.
  • Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
  • Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.
  • Experience is learning a lot of crap you didn't really want to know.
  • I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
  • If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS.
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.
  • Was today really necessary?
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • The more I learn, the less I understand.
  • Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist.
  • Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand.
  • I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  • Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
  • Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.
  • O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.
  • The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  • I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
  • Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
  • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  • Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  • Better living through denial.
  • I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
  • You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  • I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
  • Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
  • The bigger the jackass, the louder the bray.
  • If you lived in your car, you would be home right now.
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
  • If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
  • I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
  • A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

2 comments:

  1. sarah6:48 AM

    OMG Jan, I need my asthma puffer after reading all of those sentiments. I may have to steal some for cards.
    Visiting you from Sunny Western australia.

    I'll be back
    loobylou@stamp-shack.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. sarah6:50 AM

    OMG Jan, I need my asthma puffer after reading your funny sayings. I'll be stealing a few for card sentiments.
    G'day from Sunny Western Australia. I'll be back for more hilarity another day for sure
    loobylou@stamp-shack.com

    ReplyDelete

I really enjoy my blogging and hope you enjoy reading. Remember, these are only my opinions relating to my daily experiences. If you are anonymous, let me know what city and state you are from in your comment. Thanks.