Make a difference and vote for all Americans being equal-it could be your friend or neighbor or co-worker next time.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
- My kid had sex with your honor student.
- If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
- I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Hang up and drive.
- Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
- He who laughs last thinks slowest!
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- Assassins do it from behind.
- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- Few women admit their age...few men act theirs.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
- Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
- Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?
- Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
- On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
- Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
- Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
- How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
- Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?
- Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
- When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?
- Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?
- Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
- Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
- In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
- Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
- Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
- Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?
- If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?
- Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
- Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
- How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
- Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
- Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?
- Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?
- Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women?
- If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Here is a quote that pretty much sums it up.
"But in the end, I think this is more about the thrill of the hunt than anything else. That, and congressmen getting face time on ESPN, which, unlike C-SPAN, is a station their constituents actually watch."
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
'If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland.'
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a see-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: ; 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!'
Saturday, February 09, 2008
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun,
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.
LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It had not been the spider that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon
"Pies, you dumbass!"
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL, who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good, she was very very good
But when she was bad she got a fur coat, jewels, a sports car......
LITTLE JACK HORNER sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie.He stuck in his thumb, pulled out a plum,And said "Holy shit am I high!"
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
Sunday, February 03, 2008
My appy will be the Roasted Garlic Platter-just right for the witch in me (casting my spells, Gloria). Yum--o.
And they have TVs so I can watch the Wings and Pistons-my favorite teams.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Friday, February 01, 2008
I love canned beans and use them a lot in my slow cook recipes. So I was playing the other night trying to make a white vegetarian chili. I ended up with something different but I was still happy with the taste and textures.
1 15 oz can (or so) Cuban Style Black Beans drained (not rinsed)
1 15 oz can Garbanzo Beans, drained and rinsed
1 15 oz can no salt black soy beans, drained and rinsed
1 15 oz can no salt navy beans, drained and rinsed
1 14.4 oz can (or so) diced tomatoes with chili (hot or mild) slight drain (drink the juice for breakfast)
Meatless "chicken" strips" 1 package-diced
handful of sun dried tomatoes (dried)
creamy veggie bisque
1 cup diced onion
two tablespoons minced fresh garlic (use fresh if possible)
2 peppers of choice-mild to hot-diced and seeds removed
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon unsalted butter or margarine
1/4 cup chopped cilantro (again fresh is best)
chili powder-2 or 3 teaspoons or a cupped palmful
crushed cumin-teaspoon or so
smoked paprika-teaspoon or so
cinnamon (a tad or to taste-grated)
salt and paper to taste
And the kicker! grated Valencia orange peel!
Add olive oil and butter to pan and add onion, garlic and peppers, simmering for about 5 minutes to sweat them out. While this is going on, add canned beans and corn to slow cooker, then cut up the veggie chicken into bite size pieces and add to pot. Add sun dried tomatoes either chopped or whole. Cover with a mixture of broth and bisque (I like Trader Joe's brands). Add the onion/garlic mix. Add your spices adjusting for personal taste and crank it up to high for several hours or low for 5 or more. About halfway thru, add the grated orange peel. I kid you not, this was the missing link in this. It smells so good! You can add more liquid if you want this more like soup or let it thicken up as chili.