Kitchen B****

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 -year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.

Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added,"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Me---As A Recipe

The Recipe For Jan

3 parts Instinct 2 parts Inspiration 1 part Silliness Splash of Wisdom Finish off with a little umbrella and straw

What's the Recipe for Your Personality?

I Am Lisa. Once Removed.

I moved this from my other blog-fits more here anyways.

I am Lisa Simpson

A total child prodigy and super genius, I have the mind for world domination.

But I prefer world peace, Buddhism, and tofu dogs.

I will be remembered for: all my academic accomplishments

My life philosophy: "I refuse to believe that everybody refuses to believe the truth"

The Simpsons Personality Test

Let The Women Navigate!

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter “ usually late November to mid-December". Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a female.

We should have known! Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!!

Me too!

(click to make larger)

Nativity Displays Are Banned.

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, this year !

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable!!

12 days of Christmas-With Cats

Anyone with cats will like this . Anyone who doesn't have cats knows why they don't........

Thanks JenBen (moving at Christmas with three kids-what were you thinking? )

• On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree my 12 cats were laughing at me.
• On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.
• On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.
• On the fourth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.
• On the fifth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.
• On the sixth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.
• On the seventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 7 half dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.
• On the eighth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 8 shattered ornaments 7 half dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.
• On the ninth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 9 chewed through light strings 8 shattered ornaments 7 half dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.
• On the tenth day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 10 tinsel hairballs 9 chewed through light strings 8 shattered ornaments 7 half dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me
• On the eleventh day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree 11 broken branches 10 tinsel hairballs 9 chewed through light strings 8 shattered ornaments 7 half dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.
• On the twelfth day of Christmas I looked at my poor tree 12 cats a-climbing 11 broken branches 10 tinsel hairballs 9 chewed through light strings 8 shattered ornaments 7 half dead rodents 6 fallen angels 5 shredded gifts 4 males a-spraying 3 missing Wise Men 2 mangled garlands and my 12 cats laughing at me.

The Evil Eye

In 2007

In 2007

With no apologies to Billy Joel!

The Top Quotes Of The Year

"Don't Tase Me, Bro," Andrew Meyer

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don't have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us." Lauren Upton

"In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country." Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

"That's some nappy-headed hos there," Don Imus

"I don't recall." Alberto Gonzales

"There's only three things Rudy Giuliani mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11." Sen. Joseph Biden

"I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with Dick Cheney who has a 9 percent approval rating." -- Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid

"I have a wide stance when going to the bathroom." Sen. Larry Craig

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." -- Joe Biden

"I think as far as the adverse impact on the nation around the world, this administration has been the worst in history." Jimmy Carter

Michigan Accident Statistic

• 98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SHIT' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

• THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MICHIGAN AND THEY SAY,------ 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.'

The Button King

Maybe I should do this-since I have insomnia too.

The Button King

Barenaked Christmas Music and More Canuck Lovelies

Go to this link on December 15 and get your freebies.

• 1 - Barenaked Ladies - God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
• 2 - The Weepies - All That I Want
• 3 - Sarah McLachlan - Silent Night
• 4 - Matt Wertz - What Child Is This
• 5 - Liily Frost - Skating On The River
• 6 - Oh Susanna - Go Tell It On The Mountain
• 7 - Medieval Baebes - The Holly & The Ivy
• 8 - The Be Good Tanyas - Rudy
• 9 - Barenaked Ladies - Elf's Lament
• 10 - Melissa McClelland - O-Holy Night-MST
• 11 - Jars Of Clay - Hibernation Day
• 12 - Sarah McLachlan - Wintersong
• 13 - Martha Wainwright - Merry Christmas And Happy New Year
• 14 - Kyle Andrews - Under The Misteltoe
• 15 - Leigh Nash - The First Noel
• 16 - Sarah McLachlan - The First Noel_Mary Mary (DJ Shah Remix)

Old Plate Death

Michigan is changing it plates to all one color or design this year. I have had this one for at least 8 cars. I remember it on the 1994 Geo Metro and my first Saturn in 1991. It went into the recycling bin last week. Boo hoo. My new one says BRR!

The Mean Kitty Song

Punked at Burger King!

Thankfully, this will never happen to me. I get my veggie burgers at Red Robin and Ruby Tuesday's.

Under The Mistletoe

Holding On

Cell Phone Spam

As if emails weren't enough, now the spammers are taking on the wireless world. I got a spam text message tonight from an email account to my cell phone. I don't have my number advertised or used by anyone but close family. 5 people have my cell phone number. I am paranoid about my privacy.

If you receive one of these messages, contact your cell phone provider and file a complaint. Contact the FCC and file a complaint. Put your cell phone on the Do Not Call list (your home phone should already be listed-unless you are crazy and like that sort of crap). Enough of this garbage into our lives!

Wild Thing!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response... "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son!"!

The Dating Game Continues...

Overstock.Com Discount Code

Enter the code 73994 on the order review page before Jan.31,2008. This will take off another 5% from their already low prices! Go shopping here

And shipping is only $2.95 for your entire order

The Dating Game

I love this comic strip and you can view the archives of it here. The sequences to follow remind me of the games some of the "men" I know have played dating-including my son and brothers. I swear most men are stalkers anyways! Enjoy.

Dog Play

Jackson got his toy caught in the top of his crate-here is his struggle to get it back. Then Marley was in on it. I finally gave them a hand, as the toy had a hard center and would not pass thru without being torn to shreds.