Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Scary Stuff! Home May Be House of Horrors

This was in my local paper Sunday. It's not a great paper by any means but once in a while, a writer will get it right. Rose Mary Reiz gets my "Great Write" of the week! Be sure to see her musings about Sweetest Day in the above link. Or email her below and let her know other stuff that creeps you out.

Sunday, October 28, 2007 By Rose Mary Reiz rreiz@flintjournal.com

Forget creepy corn mazes and haunted hayrides; whats really scary is whats lurking in the back of your refrigerator. Or on your toilet plunger. Or under your clothes dryer. The household gunk and grunge were talking about would send even Freddy Kruger running for

But for the rest of us, there's no escape. In honor of the spookiest holiday of the year, here are some of the scariest home chores we can think of.

  • Be afraid. Be very afraid of any clean-up that involves human or animal waste or other bodily secretions especially anything to which the word projectile applies. Cleaning up stinky accidents can test your devotion to your spouse, your child or your golden retriever. But it builds character.

  • Under every oven there lurks a Tater Tot that rolled there circa 1982. The cat and dog have tried in vain to scoop it out with a paw, and you've occasionally swatted at it with a broom. Due to grease and
    dust, its double its original size. It'll stay there until you move.

  • At the bottom of the kitchen sink there's something like a smashed lima bean and corn kernel tightly tied to the stopper with a few strands of human hair and some unidentifiable goo. Have fun teasing it out with your fingers.

  • To save time, you might as well scream before you even enter the bathroom. Between the dirty caulk, soap scum, toilet stains and requisite hair in the soap, the bathroom is a treasure trove of terror.

  • In a similar vein, you can grit your teeth, hold your nose and look the other way while you plunge a clogged toilet. Once that problems solved, you've still got the dripping rubber plunger to deal with. Some are designed with a curved lip around the edge for maximum suction. Try not to think about whats under there, or what would be required to remove it.

  • Metal door and window tracks are sad little cemeteries for the lady bugs and flies that lie in a row on their backs, legs in the air. They make creepy crunching sounds when you remove them.

  • A garage or basement floor becomes a grisly miniature crime scene after Fluffy's caught, played with, killed and decapitated a mouse. Try to remember: Cats only leave such gifts for those they love.

  • Each once-pristine silk or straw flower arrangement is doomed yes, doomed! to become a trap for every minute particle of grease and dust that's ever drifted through the air of your home.

  • How is it possible for so many dried and greasy crumbs to remain in a toaster or inside the crack of a dining room table?

  • How do fresh vegetables become a gray-ish, half-solidified pool in the bottom of your vegetable crisper drawer overnight?

  • Its a law: Even after its been through the dishwasher, at least one tidbit of cooked pasta must remain cemented in the colander.

  • And you don't think you'll ever get those dried bits of-- well, we're scared to speculate about exactly what they are --out of your nylon dish scrubby, do you?

  • Likewise, the goo that drips down the side of your saucepan and puddles in the pan under the burner also has oozed into some frightening chamber far below. You will never get it out, and you will always know its there. Just sniff.

  • No amount of scrubbing will eliminate the stain (once chili) that has fused with the molecules of your plastic storage containers. A

  • And finally, one last scary thought, what is that black stuff stuck to the bottom of the kitchen trash bin when you remove the plastic
    bag? And how long do you plan to ignore it?

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I really enjoy my blogging and hope you enjoy reading. Remember, these are only my opinions relating to my daily experiences. If you are anonymous, let me know what city and state you are from in your comment. Thanks.