Monday, October 06, 2008

Quotes From The Dark Side

"Are you kidding me, the mayor of Wasilla, Alaska? Yeah, that's who you want in the White House during a time of crisis. When she got a phone call at 3 in the morning, it was because a moose had gotten in the garbage can." --Bill Maher

"I think this is pertinent because McCain has been running this campaign based on 'we're at war, it's a dangerous world out there'. The democrats don't get that. I, John McCain, am the only one standing between the blood-thirsty Al Qaedas and you. But if I die, this stewardess can handle it." --Bill Maher

"Five kids? Does anyone in that party understand the concept of pulling out?" --Bill Maher

"When they were vetting her for this job, like three seconds ago, she said,
quote, I'm not making this up, 'What is it exactly that the VP does every day?' Let me field that for you, Sarah. They start wars, they enrich their friends, they subvert the Constitution, and they shoot people in the face.
That's what the vice president does." --Bill Maher

"Today President Bush called Gov. Palin and congratulated her. Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do." --Jay Leno

"John McCain's VP pick is the governor of Alaska, an unknown hockey mom named Sarah Palin that no one ever heard of. The only other job she had in politics was the mayor of a small town known as Wasilla, Alaska, and now she has the opportunity to be on a ticket opposite of Barack Obama, the first black man she's ever seen." --Bill Maher

"This isn't a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF." --Bill Maher

"There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife." --Jon Stewart

"She's not bad looking. She looks like one of those women in the Van Halen videos who takes off her glasses, shakes out her hair, and then all of a sudden, she's in high heels and a bikini. All of a sudden, I am FOR drilling in Alaska." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Not only is she young, they're saying she's the prettiest candidate for Vice President since John Edwards." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is John McCain's choice. Here's what we know about her: her name is Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because he didn't want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney." --Jay Leno

"Palin and McCain are a good pair. She's pro-life and he's clinging to life." --Jay Leno

"The McCain people believe that Americans will disregard her inexperience because they will fall in love with her story. She was a runner up in the 1984 Miss Alaska Pageant., which may sound trite, but you try walking in high-heeled snow shoes." --Bill Maher

"And the trump card, why Americans will fall in love with her, she's got five kids. How can you not vote for someone who has five children, including an infant? Some touching details about the infant: it has Down's Syndrome, she had it when she was 43 years old, and it looks a lot like John Edwards." --Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin, she's getting ready for tomorrow's debate, too. I understand
she now knows all three branches of government." --Jay Leno

Well, some people think Sarah Palin took a swipe at Joe Biden's age when she said that she had been listening to Biden's speeches since the second grade. Which is kind of ironic, because Biden has been listening to McCain's speeches since he was in the second grade." --Jay Leno

"See, you've got to admit, Sarah Palin does look great when they walk out,
but that's causing a problem for McCain now. In fact, now they call the
ticket 'Beauty and the Deceased.'" --Jay Leno

Here's some good news. The government is talking about stimulus checks
again. The bad news? We're the ones that are writing them." --Jay Leno

"But tomorrow night is the vice presidential debate, also known as the
debate to nowhere." --David Letterman

"But don't kid yourself. This is for all the marbles, this debate tomorrow
night. And Sarah Palin is nothing if not diligent. She's working hard on
preparing for the debate with Joe Biden. Earlier today in Arizona we just
heard that she shot a donkey." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, John McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a new 'just say no' program. McCain told Sarah Palin, 'If a reporter asks you any questions, just say no!'" --Jay Leno

I think this unprecedented financial crisis is great news for George Bush.
Now this will be the president's lasting legacy! It will cover up all the
things that were going to be his legacy! I mean, just think of Iraq, torture, wiretapping, Katrina as little paint drips on the floor of his presidency. This financial disaster is like painting the whole floor! Now I don't see any mistakes. It really freshens the place up. Now, sure people in New Orleans' ninth word still don't have houses. But soon neither will anyone." --Stephen Colbert

"Did you all watch the presidential debate Friday night? You know, a lot of analysts were calling it a tie; they say neither man stumbled. That's how low the bar is now. Apparently not stumbling is considered a huge accomplishment in politics. He didn't stumble, fantastic!" --Jay Leno
Got any to add, including the other side? Let me know-equal ridicule on my part.

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